Naturally this lured me into thinking that if I actually tried hard to make new friendships and put effort into it, in time I would once again be rooted into a network of close friends, like I was before we moved.
Well. No. Turns out that finding new friends in my seventies is exactly like dating was when I was fifteen. What I know for sure from the last time I dated, about a hundred years ago, is that you will meet the right person when the time is right, and you can’t rush things.
Five years ago, we moved to a new city, and after meeting that one first friend, for the next three years I placed so much focus and put a ton of effort on rooting myself into my new community and seeking new friendships. We moved to a different part of California during the pandemic, and I did what I always do. I joined groups, volunteered and put myself in a variety of places where I could meet people. This had worked well for me when I was twenty-five and had moved to a new city, and for the next forty-three years I enjoyed those deep roots in my community with close friendships.
So, when we moved again four decades later, I joined groups. Some of the people I met in those groups I’d hoped to become friends with. But within a period of about three years, it became clear that these are context friends. People I meet within the context of things. Within the boundaries or the context of the group. The writers and book groups, UU meetings, volunteer projects. Where the boundaries and context of the group ends, personal friendship sometimes also ends. Not always, but often. But it’s okay. It’s nice to have context friends.
Last year (2025) I decided to give myself a sabbatical. I did not put much focus on rooting into my community and meeting anyone new. Instead, I put my friendship energy into staying connected with all of the friends I love who are scattered all over the US and in other counties. We exchanged emails, phone calls, text messages, and handwritten letters. All of these deep friendships once began as a context friend, and over the years we have formed deep bonds.
I yearn to know friends I love deeply and intimately—without context, without boxes—and I yearn for them to know me that way too.
Many of those who read my posts here at Earth and the Great Sea have come to know me first as a context friend. Through Live Oak UU, SBWC, KAAN, ECC, Wordcraft Circle of Native Writers & Storytellers, Tucson Festival of Books. Writers, authors, editors, volunteers, and others I’ve worked with. Over the years and decades deep, connected friendships have formed. Y’all know who you are. I’m so thankful for our friendship.
The good news is that since I moved, I've met many people in my new community within the past five years. From that one first friendship that began in Beverly’s Fabric store, I have met many others, friends of friends, and everyone is in various seasons of life. Some are young. Most are in their 70s and 80s. A few are in the youth of old age. A few (two or three) are in excellent health. Most of us are not, including me. And we are all juggling things, a partners health, our own health, complicated family situations, and volunteering to help others, which is why we do not get together often. But when we do gather for a meal, although we don’t know each other deeply (not yet) we deeply connect in the moment, the hour, the day. We are all reaching for joy together, laughing as best we can on our hard days, and living our best lives.
Funny how being alive gets easier when we know for sure that we no longer need to plan and write a to-do list of the things we want to accomplish within the next thirty or forty years.
Thank you for reading and wandering along with me.
“If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves.” ―Maria Edgeworth
